Tag Archives: random odd thoughts

And the Number of Counting Shall be Three

Jerry: David Berkowitz, Ted Bundy, Richard Speck…
Alice: What about them?
Jerry: Serial killers. Serial killers only have two names. You ever notice that? But lone gunmen assassins, they always have three names. John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, Mark David Chapman…
Alice: John Hinckley. He shot Reagan. He only has two names.
Jerry: Yeah, but he only just shot Reagan. Reagan didn’t die. If Reagan had died, I’m pretty sure we probably would all know what John Hinckley’s middle name was.

Does anyone happen to know if the media have always referred to Lee Boyd Malvo and John Allen Muhammed by all three names?

Jerry: I just thought of another one: James Earl Ray, the guy who got Luther King. Then of course, there’s Sirhan Sirhan. I still haven’t figured that one out. Maybe it’s Sirhan Sirhan Sirhan, I don’t know.

But That Only Raises the Question…

I get that a Shipoopi is a girl you’re glad you found. She’s hard to get, but you can win her yet. I suppose that’s all fair. So who’s the girl you wish you’d never met (and presumably does not kiss at all)? Or what about the girl who you couldn’t get, despite your best efforts?

As much as I enjoy musical comedies, and I do enjoy them, I wish they’d define their terms a little more clearly. But then, I suppose nobody would line up to buy tickets to Kant: The Musical.

Dungeons and STR+2

I’ve been thinking about Dungeons and Dragons lately. It’s an interesting social phenomenon.

(Before I go any farther, I should make it clear that I’m not out to bash D&D. I earned my gamer cred a long time ago, and I don’t have anything to prove to anybody. I learned D&D on literally Dungeons and Dragons. None of this "Advanced" stuff. And 3rd edition? We dreamed of a third edition! We wondered if we’d ever see one the same way I imagine the ancient Norse wondered when Ragnarok would happen. Sure, it was coming. One day. Some day. But today? Nah.)

What’s most interesting to me is that when I sit down to look at D&D now, I don’t see a strong role-playing system at all. At least not in the way we typically mean role-playing. What I see is a good gaming system. There’s a subtle difference. The D&D system has very little to commend it outside of two factors: A) easy mathematical modeling and 2) modularily. The first creates the second, though the second is a legitimate boon to gamers.

Think about it. What’s the most well-known icon in D&D from a functional player’s point of view?

(I disregard an observer’s point of view because in my general experience, outsiders to the D&D experience have little to no idea how the vast majority of D&D players play the game in practice. Most seem to hold an idealized vision of D&D which does exist to some extent, but generally falls far short of the reality.)

No, not the dragon. Players rarely fight actual dragons. Not the wizard, though the fireball spell comes in the top 5 archetypal icons. The beholder, with its giant central eye and numerous eyestalks, has made impressive ground in many minds. But I think all of those fall short of D&D’s ultimate symbol.

+1 long sword.

It’s every young player’s dream. The magic sword! You get +1 to-hit on a 20-sided die, and it does +1 damage (If I recall correctly, the base is rolled on an eight-sided die, so it’s a fairly large improvement). Whee! It doesn’t sound like a lot, I know. But hey, it’s just a start. There are +2 swords, +3 swords, and… dare we dream? +4 and +5 swords out there! Right. Does anybody think anybody walked around medieval France in search of a +1 sword? Yet D&D players do so with frightening regularity.

The +1 sword has no basis in mythology. It has no basis in legend. It has no basis in any folk tradition whatsoever. It’s a sword that an engineer would love. Precisely quantified, predictable, replicatable across settings, and very easy to explain.

Dungeons and Dragons may have given the players the tools to create a role-playing game, but I believe that examining the rules shows an attitude and implied culture that doesn’t care about the role-playing whatsoever. Let’s see it for what it really was: It was the attempt to create a video game before the computer technology for actual video games existed. All of the elements were there. Easy mathematical modeling, an incremental reward system (gold, XP points, treasure), and bosses. Somewhere in our collective unconscious, we yearned for the ability to put the math to work to crunch the numbers and say, "You know… If I spent all my proficiency points on dart skill, I can throw three every turn. I get three extra damage on each… So I do more damage than a long sword! Sweet. Load me up, Scotty."

(In my limited experience, this represents the general line of thought expressed by many/most D&D players.)

Maybe we should be happy. It wasn’t enough that math could conquer our world. We had to invent whole new ones for it to conquer, too.

Daylight Savings Time

Give me back my hour! Give it back! No, I’m serious here. I want the hour, and I want it right now. We all know it was mine. It had my name on it and everything. Did you look on the bottom? Because that’s where I wrote it, in big letters.

I had big plans for that hour. Big plans. Full of… stuff. That’s right! You heard me. Stuff. And now? No stuff. There’s no time for stuff because I LOST THE HOUR GIVE IT BACK OH MY GOSH GIVE IT BACK RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I NEED IT MORE THAN YOU I SWEAR.

Clearly, I will have to make up the time by some other means. Lacking a time machine, I will use the Time Dilation Engine devised for me by the good people at Gevalia.

Poop For Peace

[peace_118x175.gif]Lest we should start taking ourselves to seriously…

"The east hates the west. The Christians hate the Muslims. The liberals hate the conservatives. The Sunnis hate the Shiites. All across the globe, the chasm dividing humanity is ever deeper. In all the world’s wars against terror, the distinction of who is perpetrating which depends on what side you ask — so divided are we as a species that we can’t even agree why we’re killing each other."

"For there to be peace, there must be understanding. For there to be understanding, there must be a common ground. But the further the chasm deepens, the more fundamental to basic human nature the common ground has to be."

"And so April 14 is Poop For Peace Day."

"Poop is the one experience all human beings have in common. We may have varying ideas of God and politics, but the power of an impending poop is a higher calling to which every human must answer. Side by side in a public bathroom, any two human beings are stripped of their differences and reduced to their most basic essence: a pair of feet sticking out below the stall, and a pair of butt trumpets performing a greasy symphony to lament humanity’s non-negotiable deference to the call of the vile."

Get the poop on Poop for Peace Day.