Engaged Encounter Part II: Three to Get Married?

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Called to be One

Unity is Our Goal

Marriage is a vocation, a sacred call from God to love one another uniquely, totally and irrevocably, giving 100% of ourselves to our marriage, not 50/50 as the modern world tells us to do. Through the examples shared, we learn that striving for oneness, not happiness, is the REAL goal in marriage. The vocation of marriage can be challenging; and the more we strive for unity, the more we reflect God's love.

Marriage is a vocation, a sacred call from God to love each other uniquely, totally and unconditionally. Striving for unity, not happiness, is the primary goal of a Christian marriage.

  1. What does marriage as a vocation mean to me? How is God calling us to be one?
  2. You show me God's love best when you… I show you God's love love best when I…
  3. How do I feel about committing myself to love you unconditionally for the rest of my life, knowing that there will be times when I'll get very little in return?
  4. How do I feel hearing that unity, not just happiness, is the primary goal of our marriage? What is my understanding of unity in marriage?
  5. What have we experienced that has resulted in me feeling closer to you?
  6. God is calling us to unity. How does this affect and challenge our plans and dreams for our marriage?

"This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh"

Marriage is not just a vocation. It is a sacrament. It's God making His presence known by physical means and effusing His grace through them. We are called to become one flesh because we are more ourselves with someone else.

How can this be? Well, a married couple is more than the sum of their parts. Each spouse becomes more fully a person by being married. The union is not just 1 + 1 = 2. Nor does it mean that two people disappear into one entity, i.e. 1/2 + 1/2 = 1. It's more like 1/2 + 1/2 = 2 (kind of like covalent bonding in chemistry). We are incomplete by ourselves. Two incomplete persons become two complete persons living out the closest human imitation of the life of the Trinity. There are three whole persons, but only one God. Two whole persons are likewise one flesh whose love bursts forth into life just as the Spirit procedes from the Father and the Son.

By marrying, we complete God's creation and also become something more. We are a sign and example to others. We are to be so superabundantly blessed that our love and faith can only be fully expressed by bringing another being into the world to be loved. By procreating, we participate in God's primordial creative act. God is love. He created the universe in order to love it and its inhabitants. We mirror that love by obeying His command to "go forth and multiply".

Marriage Morality

What Life-Giving Means

The practical consequences of living marriage as a vocation are explored in this presentation. Marriage morality consists in life-giving, in accord with the ideal established by Jesus: "I have come that they may have life and have it more abundantly". This contrasts with the negative approach to morality, which emphasizes prohibitions. Marriage is not a contract, but a covenant, which Christ calls us to live daily as husband and wife.

Moral: To be life-giving – to call ourselves and others to a fuller life – to be open and honest, and bear witness to the values Jesus taught.

Examples:

  • Generous – going beyond the minimum
  • Supportive – bringing out the best in you
  • Sensitive – being aware of your needs and feelings
  • Selfless – caring about us instead of just me

Immoral: To be selfish, indifferent, unwilling to be responsible for the effect of my life on others.

Examples:

  • Indifferent – it's okay if it does not hurt anybody
  • Close-minded – already decided, just going through he motions
  • Comparing – at least I'm not like him/her
  • Self-centered – do my own thing (not dependent on, or responsible to God or others)

[This topic was handled as a group discussion. – Funky]

  1. Terry had a hard day at work and was pleasantly surprised to see Chris' car in the driveway. Terry was looking forward to spending some quiet time together before dinner. Instead, Chris was leaving for a long run to work off some steam after a tough day. Terry, feeling hurt and disappointed, walked away and sulked about it all evening. Question: How would this scenario change if they were being life-giving?
  2. When Tracy and Pat get together with friends, Pat frequently talks about things Tracy considers private, such as finances and arguments. When Tracy shared uneasiness about this, Pat responded, "I've always been very open. That's just the type of person I am!" Question: How can Tracy and Pat be life-giving in this situation?
  3. Kelly had a very frustrating day. It began witha disagreement with a co-worker and then the car repair took longer and was more expensive than expected. Fran called from work to say "I'll be late for dinner." In frustration, Kelly snaps, "Fran, you're always late!" Question: One person can be life-gicing even when another is not. How does that apply to Fran and Kelly?

covenant:A binding agreement; a compact.

sacrament:A rite believed to be a means of or visible form of grace

See what happens when you try to avoid using the 's' word? You become redundant and self-contradictory. I just love the dig at following rules, too. News flash, folks: rules are usually there for our own good. Parents set rules for their children to protect and/or teach them. God does likewise. Paul's letter to the Galatians makes it abundantly clear that freedom from the Old Law does is not a license for unrestricted behavior. Whether we like rules or not, the Church, in accord with Scripture, has established many. Some apply to marriage and sexuality. We can't just pick and chose the ones that we don't fins distasteful. This is a classic example of cafeteria Catholicism. Pope John Paul II highlights an appropos prohibition in Love and Responsibilty. No person should be treated as an object and thus used.

Decisions in Marriage

Applying Life-Giving Principles

The presenting team gives many practical examples of making moral (life-giving) decisions in our relationship with each other, God, parents, and friends. The presentation also covers making decisions with respect to career, work, roles, monet and time together. A guide for life-giving decisions is suggested in the form of five steps:

  1. Prayer – Give God a voice in our choice.
  2. Discernment
    1. Gather facts.
    2. Consult with outside sources/experts.
    3. Listen to one another and prioritize.
    4. Affect others.
  3. Mutual Agreement – Agree – not win or lose
  4. Mutual Responsibility – Accept the results.
  5. Re-Evaluation – Circumstances change.

[The full text of this section is far too wordy for me to reproduce here. Suffice to say that the statements above are elabortated. Also, the following questions were replaced with a group activity. – Funky]

  1. What important decisions have we made recently that have affected us as a couple?
    1. How did we seek God's guidance in prayer?
    2. Whom and what resources did we consult besides each other?
    3. In what ways was our decision a mutual agreement that we could both be committed to carry out?
    4. How are we sharing the responsibility for the result of our decision?
    5. When and how do we re-evaluate our decision?
    6. When and how do we re-evaluate our decision?
    7. How life-giving was this decision?
  2. The steps in the life-giving decision making process that we used in making our decision to become married were…
  3. What is my relationship with God? How will this affect our decision making?
  4. How would I like God to be a part of the relationship? What decisions do we have to make to bring this about?
  5. What decision do we have to make to be more supportive of one another in the practice of each other's faith and religious beliefs?
  6. How important is your/my career to and why? What life-giving decisions do we need to make about my/your career to enhance our marriage?
  7. What decisions have we made about handling our money? Are we handling our finances in alife-giving manner?
  8. What am I willing to do to help us reach a life-giving decision when a compomise seems difficult or impossible?
  9. How can we use the steps in making life-giving decisions in these additional areas?
    1. Use of time (family, work, activities, leisure)
    2. Involvement with parent(s)/friends after marriage
    3. Other

[An additional handout described important decisions to consider, including beginning and raising a family, work and roles, finances, time, family, friends, and God. It's too long for me to type out. – Funky]

The group activity involved giving us each two flourescent index cards, one pink and one green, representing "no" and "yes", respectively. We stood with out backs to our fiances. Several questions were asked of the "Doing such and such is okay" formula. We held up the card that reflected how we felt and then turned to show our cards to our fiances. I think answering the questions would have been a far more fruitful use of time.

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About Funky Dung

Who is Funky Dung? 29-year-old grad student in Intelligent Systems (A.I.) at the University of Pittsburgh. I consider myself to be politically moderate and independent and somewhere between a traditional and neo-traditional Catholic. I was raised Lutheran, spent a number of years as an agnostic, and joined the Catholic Church at the 2000 Easter Vigil. Why Funky Dung? I haven't been asked this question nearly as many times as you or I might expect. Funky Dung is a reference to an obscure Pink Floyd song. On the album Atom Heart Mother, there is a track called Atom Heart Mother Suite. It's broken up into movements, like a symphony, and one of the movements is called Funky Dung. I picked that nickname a long time ago (while I was still in high school I think), shortly after getting an internet connection for the first time. To me it means "cool/neat/groovy/spiffy stuff/crap/shiznit", as in "That's some cool stuff, dude!" Whence Ales Rarus? I used to enjoy making people guess what this means, but I've decided to relent and make it known to all. Ales Rarus is a Latin play on words. "Avis rarus" means "a rare bird" and carries similar meaning to "an odd fellow". "Ales" is another Latin word for bird that carries connotations of omens, signs of the times, and/or augery. If you want to get technical, both "avis" and "ales" are feminine (requiring "rara", but they can be made masculine in poetry (which tends to breaks lots of rules). I decided I'd rather have a masculine name in Latin. ;) Yeah, I'm a nerd. So what? :-P Wherefore blog? It is my intention to "teach in order to lead others to faith" by being always "on the lookout for occasions of announcing Christ by word, either to unbelievers . . . or to the faithful" through the "use of the communications media". I also act knowing that I "have the right and even at times a duty to manifest to the sacred pastors [my] opinion on matters which pertain to the good of the Church, and [I] have a right to make [my] opinion known to the other Christian faithful, with due regard to the integrity of faith and morals and reverence toward [my and their] pastors, and with consideration for the common good and the dignity of persons." (adapted from CCC 904-907) Statement of Faith I have been baptized and confirmed in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I, therefore, renounce Satan; I renounce all his works; I renounce all his allurements. I hold and profess all that is contained in the Apostles' Creed, the Niceno- Constantinopolitan Creed, and the Athanasian Creed. Having been buried with Christ unto death and raised up with him unto a new life, I promise to live no longer for myself or for that world which is the enemy of God but for him who died for me and rose again, serving God, my heavenly Father, faithfully and unto death in the holy Catholic Church. I am obedient to the Magisterium of the Catholic Church. That is, I promote and defend authentic Catholic Teaching and Faith in union with Christ and His Church and in union with the Holy Father, the Bishop of Rome, the Successor of St. Peter. Thanks be unto Thee, O my God, for all Thy infinite goodness, and, especially, for the love Thou hast shown unto me at my Confirmation. I Give Thee thanks that Thou didst then send down Thy Holy Spirit unto my soul with all His gifts and graces. May He take full possession of me for ever. May His divine unction cause my face to shine. May His heavenly wisdom reign in my heart. May His understanding enlighten my darkness. May His counsel guide me. May His knowledge instruct me. May His piety make me fervent. May His divine fear keep me from all evil. Drive from my soul, O Lord, all that may defile it. Give me grace to be Thy faithful soldier, that having fought the good fight of faith, I may be brought to the crown of everlasting life, through the merits of Thy dearly beloved Son, our Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen. Behind the Curtain: an Interview With Funky Dung (Thursday, March 03, 2005) I try to avoid most memes that make their way 'round the blogosphere (We really do need a better name, don't we?), but some are worth participating in. Take for instance the "interview game" that's the talk o' the 'sphere. I think it's a great way to get to know the people in neighborhood. Who are the people in your neighborhood? In your neighborhod? In your neigh-bor-hoo-ood...*smack* Sorry, Sesame Street flashback. Anyhow, I saw Jeff "Curt Jester" Miller's answers and figured since he's a regular reader of mine he'd be a good interviewer. Without further ado, here are my answers to his questions. 1. Being that your pseudonym Funky Dung was chosen from a Pink Floyd track on Atom Heart Mother, what is you favorite Pink Floyd song and why? Wow. That's a tuffy. It's hard to pick out a single favorite. Pink Floyd isn't really a band known for singles. They mostly did album rock and my appreciation of them is mostly of a gestalt nature. If I had to pick one, though, it'd be "Comfortably Numb". I get chills up my spine every time I hear it and if it's been long enough since the last time, I get midty-eyed. I really don't know why. That's a rather unsatisfying answer for an interview, so here are the lyrics to a Rush song. It's not their best piece of music, but the lyrics describe me pretty well.

New World Man He's a rebel and a runner He's a signal turning green He's a restless young romantic Wants to run the big machine He's got a problem with his poisons But you know he'll find a cure He's cleaning up his systems To keep his nature pure Learning to match the beat of the old world man Learning to catch the heat of the third world man He's got to make his own mistakes And learn to mend the mess he makes He's old enough to know what's right But young enough not to choose it He's noble enough to win the world But weak enough to lose it --- He's a new world man... He's a radio receiver Tuned to factories and farms He's a writer and arranger And a young boy bearing arms He's got a problem with his power With weapons on patrol He's got to walk a fine line And keep his self-control Trying to save the day for the old world man Trying to pave the way for the third world man He's not concerned with yesterday He knows constant change is here today He's noble enough to know what's right But weak enough not to choose it He's wise enough to win the world But fool enough to lose it --- He's a new world man...
2. What do you consider your most important turning point from agnosticism to the Catholic Church. At some point in '99, I started attending RCIA at the Pittsburgh Oratory. I mostly went to ask a lot of obnoxious Protestant questions. Or at least that's what I told myself. I think deep down I wanted desperately to have faith again. At that point I think I'd decided that if any variety of Christianity had the Truth, the Catholic Church did. Protestantism's wholesale rejection of 1500 years of tradition didn't sit well with me, even as a former Lutheran. During class one week, Sister Bernadette Young (who runs the program) passed out thin booklet called "Handbook for Today's Catholic". One paragraph in that book spoke to me and I nearly cried as I read it.
"A person who is seeking deeper insight into reality may sometimes have doubts, even about God himself. Such doubts do not necessarily indicate lack of faith. They may be just the opposite - a sign of growing faith. Faith is alive and dynamic. It seeks, through grace, to penetrate into the very mystery of God. If a particular doctrine of faith no longer 'makes sense' to a person, the person should go right on seeking. To know what a doctrine says is one thing. To gain insight into its meaning through the gift of understanding is something else. When in doubt, 'Seek and you will find.' The person who seeks y reading, discussing, thinking, or praying eventually sees the light. The person who talks to God even when God is 'not there' is alive with faith."
At the end of class I told Sr. Bernadette that I wanted to enter the Church at the next Easter vigil. 3. If you were a tree what kind of, oh sorry about that .. what is the PODest thing you have ever done? I set up WikiIndex, a clearinghouse for reviews of theological books, good, bad, and ugly. It has a long way to go, but it'll be cool when it's finished. :) 4. What is your favorite quote from Venerable John Henry Newman? "Ten thousand difficulties do not make one doubt." 5. If you could ban one hymn from existence, what would it be? That's a tough one. As a member of the Society for a Moratorium on the Music of Marty Haugen and David Haas, there are obviously a lot of songs that grate on my nerves. If I had to pick one, though, I'd probably pick "Sing of the Lord's Goodness" by Ernie Sands.

5 thoughts on “Engaged Encounter Part II: Three to Get Married?”

  1. Tom

    That’s really weak. I wonder if any of the couples there will actually follow the teaching on contraception. With such lame catechesis, I really can’t say that I blame people for not.

    Interesting thought you had about teaching a pre-Cana class using Theology of the Body as the primary source. Another good candidate would be the writings of St. John Chrysostom, the Eastern Doctor whose teachings regarding marriage and family are one of the bases of the ideas we have about Christian love. (As a sidebar, Chrysostom is pretty much the #1 doctor in the Orthodox world, but their follow-up on his doctrines regarding contraception has been really, really weak.)

  2. regina doman

    We hated our Engaged Encounter too but we really appreciated the Marriage Encounter retreat we took (ten years later). The rules for arguing was about the best part of the weekend, btw, and got the most use by us.

  3. Pingback: Ales Rarus - A Rare Bird, A Strange Duck, One Funky Blog » Engaged Encounter Part I: House of God?

  4. Mary Harlan

    My parents began the Engaged Encounter in the 60’s. It was not meant to be a “Catholic” experience but an experience for the engaged couple. If you did not attend the Engaged Encounter in the Detroit area, the you attended an off shoot that someone rewrote. In Detroit, when a priest can be found, he comes only to say mass and bless rings. The priest NEVER presents a topic. None of the material was ever copyright protected as my parents felt it could benefit all.

  5. Funky Dung

    Did your parents intend for EE to satisfy diocesan pre-cana requirements? If not, then I’d applaud it as a useful crash course in the psychological and relational aspects of marriage. Whoever decided that this material was adequate for Catholic pre-cana was very wrong. Preparation for the sacrament of Holy Matrimony requires more than EE (as I experienced it) offers. If a weekend is to call itself Catholic Engaged Encounter, it had better present material that authentically represents orthodox Catholicism.

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